Preparing to Say Goodbye

Pet Loss and Grief… When does it end? A Story of Jason and Riley By Jason Jorgensen If one were to ask you to define grief, would you be able to? Grief: noun Deep sorrow, especially that is caused by someone’s death. Trouble or annoyance It would be worth 9 points on a scrabble board, unless you managed to hit some of those point multipliers of course. But what exactly is it? When is it appropriate to feel it? Is there a wrong way to grieve? And how does grieving the loss of a pet differ from the loss of our human loved ones? These are all excellent questions that we find ourselves asking when we lose someone or something we held dear and loved. We know that we feel sad that they are no longer here, we know that we feel angry and sometimes abandoned. Yet for some, there is no clear emotion to point to. They just know that they do not feel the same. When it comes to how one feels, especially after suffering a loss, there really is no right or wrong way to feel. There will be a myriad of feelings that will come and go over an undetermined length of time. Each person will experience it differently and there is no specific amount of time allotted to ending. It is well known that there are multiple stages of grief. There is no specific time table on these stages, just know that we all go through them when we lose someone or something we hold dear. It is not abnormal to grieve at the death of a loved one, human or pet. Denial, numbness and shock Bargaining Depression Anger Acceptance While we may be somewhat familiar with these stages, we still may not understand them. Numbness can sometimes be confused for “not caring”, which could not be further from the truth. Bargaining is oftentimes marked with persistent thoughts of “what could have been done?” Depression is when we truly realize the extent of the loss. Anger is common, it can be rooted from the feeling of helplessness or abandonment. Then comes acceptance, where we start coming to terms with feelings we had when the loss occurred. Though there are no simple answers when it comes to grief and timelines…just know it will get better. Some things that may help with resolving grief are acknowledging and accepting all the feelings you are having. Allow yourself time to experience the thoughts and feelings; talk with trusted friends and family about the loss; express your feelings in writing in a journal. Though there may be no “quick fixes” when it comes to grieving, there are outlets available to help you through the storm. If feeling completely overwhelmed, there are trained counselors that specialize in grief support, knowing you are never truly alone. When I lost Riley, my first ever dog, I was overwhelmed with grief. I was not expecting it to hurt so badly, after all, he was just a dog. I was in my mid thirties when I got Riley and had no idea what to expect from the very beginning. He quickly melted my heart and became my shadow. Where I went he was sure to be there, unless it was work of course. Everyone I knew, he knew. Riley was my trusted companion that stood faithfully by my side through many rough seasons. He was my one constant. People may have come and gone, but he was always there. He knew when to be playful and when to just be present, a trait I have learned most dogs have and I never knew it. Sadly when he was eight years old, he started to lose weight and have bouts of diarrhea. The vet at first figured it was common gastritis and we did the chicken and rice thing. Unfortunately this was not the case. My 80+lb beagle / lab mix was losing weight, all the while still eating like a champ. He was still alert and tried to be playful, but months of vet visits and episodes were wearing him down. He no longer had control of his bowels and thousands of dollars were spent with multiple vets and no answers. We had to make the toughest decision ever when he had dropped to 51 lbs. The drive there I thought would be the worst part; I was soon to learn how wrong I was. We gave him all the treats, all the butt pats and snoot boops. I did not want to make this call, but I also could not bear to see him suffer any longer. The grief started before he was gone, I was angry and felt as though I had failed him. It is still the longest drive I have made though it was only 45 minutes. When we arrived, compassion and professionalism was the only thing keeping me from bawling on the spot. I did not want to say goodbye, I pleaded for them to show me any other options. There was really none to be had other than letting him suffer and this was not an option. We stayed with him throughout and for quite some time after. My heart was broken, tears streamed freely down our faces, words could not come. My boy was gone. The drive home was just as long, I felt an emptiness that I cannot truly explain. I was numb and unsure of what comes next. His collar on the dash, my wife talking words I did not hear, the miles passing without my knowledge. I cannot explain the feelings - the void that now existed. Time passed and I still carried that weight, that sadness that did not feel as if it would ever leave. There would be moments after a long day that I would still expect his heavy weight to meet me at the door as he would throw himself at me every time I came home. My wife talked often about getting another dog, that it would be good to have another one. I did not feel as if I ever wanted another, how could I? Roughly 8 months after losing Riley, my wife rescued Missi. I was not in the loop on this, I was initially upset, like I was betraying Riley. Talking with colleagues and friends I learned some do not understand the bond built with pets, but I also learned that others had been there themselves and opened my eyes to how I could care for another dog without betraying my pup that passed. Over the last 6 years Missi has become the princess of our home, along with her siblings Garth and Toby, they have filled the void that was left with the passing of Riley. I learned much about myself and grief over the years. There are no set timelines, not everyone goes through all the stages and sometimes those stages like to make a repeat appearance. I learned that it is ok to not be ok. I found the more I talked about my boy Riley with people that had experienced the loss of a fur baby, the more peace I found. I learned that rescuing another, when actually ready, is very rewarding and helps other pets in need. And…I think Riley would agree.

This is a question we often find ourselves never asking. We rarely look down the road as to what is to come. It is very easy to get lost in our day to day activities and never think of the eventualities that will happen to all of us. This holds true not only for ourselves, but also for our beloved pets. We know when we bring them into our homes that the majority of times we will far out live our pets. It definitely is not the first thing we think of as our hearts melt over their crazy antics, but in the back of our minds, we know. We know that one day they will move a little slower, eat a little less and difficult decisions will start having to be made. We never want to think of these moments, and why would you want to? Sadly not every pet gets to make it to the golden years, sometimes they fall ill with things we never see coming. Whether it be age or illness, these times are very stressful, full of second guessing and financial strain. I learned this from personal experience when we had to make the difficult decision to spare Riley any more pain. The only option given to us that day was if we wanted his remains to be returned to us and if we wanted a clay pawprint. This was an eye opener for me, no time given to process the passing of my beloved pup. This is why it is important to pre-plan. It is not to say goodbye before the time comes, rather it is to prepare the farewell journey on your terms. It allows for you to make choices and selections with a clear mind, not clouded from grief and unrelenting stress. Oftentimes when a pet passes, the only option we are presented with is whether or not we would like to receive remains back. There is no talk of styles of urns, pawprints (clay or ink), or even if we would like any fur clippings. Sadly when a pet passes we are left with what is returned to us, more of a final transaction than a proper memorial to a devoted confidant and companion. If I had known then what I know now, I would have taken the time to plan out exactly how I wanted things. I would have requested a clay pawprint from both of his front paws as well as an ink print of his nose. It would have been nice to have had a choice in urn for my bestest boy, as well as having his name engraved with his “gotcha day” and final day. It is true, you do not know what you do not know. When you pre-plan you are securing your wishes at current day costs. You can take your time and ask questions. There is no rush or pressure to make a decision, so you can actually see what all your options are. Just like ourselves and our families, it is always best to know what our final wishes are. When making these decisions it is best to be calm and prepared with questions you may have regarding final care. We are always available to answer questions and guide you through the steps of being prepared.